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Around the Bluhmin’ Town

11/16/16

Judy Bluhm

I saw a spider. I went to the bathroom at two in the morning and there sitting on a wall next to the sink was a big brown spider. She had eyes like the devil, glaring at me. It so unnerved me that I ran into the bedroom and told my husband, Doug, to please get up. “A spider is in the bathroom!” I yelled. He rolled over and put a pillow over his head. I turned on a light and said that this is a “really big spider” and I need help! Doug muttered, “Okay. In the morning.”

What about right now? What if that spider crawls out of the bathroom across the bedroom and climbs up into our bed? How can I sleep with a huge arachnid staring at me with evil eyes? Doug, wake up! But no, I am left to deal with this pest all by myself. He did roll over and mutter, “Just close the bathroom door.” Thanks Doug.

Well, spiders will not be stopped by a door! In fact, their very supple bodies can creep under doors, through the cracks of screens or windows, up through vents. Oh Lordy help us. Spiders can go wherever they please! I decided the only safe thing to do was go into the guest bedroom, close the door and try to forget about the eight-legged intruder. Oh, and although I know my friend, Diane, welcomes a tarantula every year into her home (whom she calls Manuel), this spider did not seem friendly like Manuel!

When I told my friends and family about my predicament that night, I received lots of (unhelpful) advice. My grandson said I should have put on a pair of shoes, swatted the spider off the wall with a magazine and then stomped on it. Okay, but what if it fell on me? Or ran away? My neighbor said I should have had a stiff drink and put the empty glass over the spider and then slipped a piece of paper on top of the glass and let the beast loose outside. Really? Who wants to be fooling around with a glass, paper and live spider in the middle of the night? My girlfriend said I should have just kept nudging Doug to get up, because that is what the marriage vow entails…”for better or worse, till spider do us part.”

Actually, I am not alone with my fear of spiders. Psychologists claim that one in three people on the planet are pretty scared of arachnids. And another third of the population find spiders “disgusting.” Okay, so I now realize where my fear (phobia) came from. When I was a child, my father took me to see a movie about a giant spider that kept growing and growing until it was a monster. It was so huge that a man driving a truck under the spider said, “I don’t recall this underpass.” No you fool, you are driving under a humongous spider and about to get eaten! Another memorable scene was a lady looking out her bedroom window at two black orbs. “Honey, look at these two big black stars,” she calls to her husband. No…you have a spider standing over your house and those are his eyes peering in your window. Run for your life!

So kids are impressionable and a frightening movie about spiders can cause arachnophobia. But what about real life? Ever hear of the “fields of nightmares?” These are fields of spider webs that cover acres of land, looking like frost, except it happens during the summer. One reporter in Georgia was walking across this “pasture of horrors” when she discovered it was the webs of millions of baby spiders. Yikes! This is a terrifying phenomenon that occasionally happens around the world. And I am not making this up!

Oh, back to my spidey. So after a good night’s sleep, Doug handed me a cup of coffee and winked at me, saying that the “house is secure” and “spider-free.” I have never been more suspicious in my life. Somewhere, I think a brown spider might be hiding. And I will be ready…to run.

Judy Bluhm is a writer and a local realtor. Have a story or a comment? Email Judy at judy@judybluhm.com.