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Around the Bluhmin’ Town

5/11/16

Judy Bluhm

The lawsuit is coming! Oh yes, those four, provocative words can cause one to shudder with fear. Or burst out into fits of laughter. Looks like the lawyers are having all the fun lately, sort of like having a party and getting to eat all of the cake. First, we have the “distressed” lady in Chicago who is suing Starbucks because (hold onto your hats, Dear Readers, as this will shock you) iced coffee has ice in it! The nerve of those little baristas putting ice in my Iced Latte! It all gets down to trust (according to the attorney handling the case) and “truth in advertising.”

Okay, I get it. I want a Venti Iced Latte, which is supposed to be 24 ounces of coffee. Instead, it appears it might be only about 14-16 ounces of coffee and the rest is ice. Sort of like the “Foot-Long” fiasco at Subway. When a group of people sued because the foot-long sandwiches are really only eleven inches long! Once again, the public is being lied to and manipulated. We want what we are paying for!

One might ask, where does this all end? Shall we start counting French fries at McDonald’s? Start weighing the quarter-pounders? Hey, it is a known fact that the food industry has been squeezing the consumer for quite some time. Our 16 ounces of potato chips are now 14 ounces and every single product seems to be smaller in weight and volume and higher in price. What are we to do?

Bring in the lawyers! It is not right that the box of “fishies” that my grandson loves are actually just a bunch of crackers shaped like fish. What, no seafood in those little fishies? And what about a Mars Bar? It is not made in some far-away planet as the name implies, it is just another Earthly confection. Isn’t that fraud? We already know that packages of Parmesan cheese contain sawdust as a filler. Hey, that sounds pretty darn dangerous. Go out to eat at a fancy restaurant, order the Parmesan sole, and get a splinter? Ouch.

It has been a week of weird lawsuits. My favorite is the one in England brought about by a fifteen year old red-headed lad who is suing his parents for two million pounds. Why? It seems that both his parents have bright red hair and so do his two older siblings. So this kid (nut) believes his parents must “pay up” because they chose to conceive him, since they would have surely known that he would be born with red hair. And due to this, he has “suffered” immensely, being bullied, called “carrot top” and “spotty face” (for his freckles). In other words, he claims his parents were “irresponsible” for having him! 

Gee, shall we all cheer (or jeer) for the Solicitor to bring this to court? Guess it might get thrown out, but the fact that someone (idiot) with a law degree even filed a claim, is pretty mind-boggling. Sort of like the poor guy in Italy. Yes, here is a man who is suing his wife and her family because they are sneaking him a “love potion” that has kept him married for over twenty years. So what is the problem? The husband told the judge that his wife is “mean, fat and ugly” and yet he refuses to divorce her because of the “secret love potion” she is giving him. When asked to elaborate on this “potion” the man only cried, “What else could explain the fact that I am still married to her?” The judge then asked, “Could it be too much red wine?”

Oh yea, the lawyers are having a whole lot of fun this week. But not all things are laughable. There is a woman in California who was arrested for tax evasion. She is suing her husband (who was also charged) because she claims she just “signed on the dotted line” when he brought her the tax returns, and she never really read them. For some reason, the Internal Revenue Service does not like it when we say “we had no idea what we were signing.” People, we must read those documents!

Let’s have a great week by going out and getting a nice cuppa Joe at the local java store. Make it iced. Go easy on the ice. Okay, make it COLD and forget the ice! Or, let’s get a foot-long (and I am taking my measuring tape) sandwich.  And try not to be mad at your parents because you were born. If you have red hair and freckles, feel blessed. Oh and if you’d like a “love potion,” maybe switch to a glass of Italian red wine. No lawsuits required.

Judy Bluhm is a writer and a local realtor. Have a story or a comment? Email Judy at judy@judybluhm.com.